questions

Eight months of parenthood
I am so grateful
that you made me a mom
I am scared though
I question her future
will she know you?
will she be safe?
who is going to hurt her?
Will you stop them?
Will you give her strong generous trustworthy friends?
Will she know how to apologize and forgive?
will she and I be close?
will there be a wall between us?

I have many questions that stem from fear God. You tell me not to be afraid. But my human weakness persists and I lose trust in your strength. Father thank you for loving this weak scared girl...this questioning mom. I know you will never leave me or my daughter. That needs to be enough.

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new year

father
i am scared of disaster
scared of another last year
i want to trust
to trust you
to trust my mom again
but i'm scared of being hurt

help me trust you
help me to forgive

i feel lost
i don't want to sleep
but i know i need it

thank you for the leavenworths
for a vacation and a refuge

desiring comfort

I want to be comfortable. I want people to be happy. Convenience.
But when I desire only comfort I am really succumbing to fear.
And I am closing my heart to the love and joy that comes alongside pain and sorrow.
Thank you for the sun burning my cheek. For humid days and freezing nights.
That I am here.
And when pain and sorrow fills my heart I will take it to you.
Crying out to you.
I resolve to come to you every day and share my heart.
Telling you what you already know
because you love me and you want me to come to you.

Thank you for family and for celebrating.
I praise you for these amazing gifts.
I'm still mourning Liz.
Crying.
Dreaming about her. 
But not as much as I feel I should.
God I don't know if you are protecting me
or if not feeling the reality is just a flaw in me.
It feels like my sorrow is buried deep
and I can't even release it when I try.
I don't understand it.